last august i worked for hisd for about a month. after 2 weeks at the actual school i just knew that the job position wasn’t for me. first of all it was middle school and it was math. lord knows, and many did, that my goal at that point was to land a high school english position. so i was lowkey already going against my own will. but due to self-induced pressures put on myself to not be a “bum” and to live as someone who i really wasn’t, longing for a seemingly formidable future that wasn’t even guaranteed, i made that decision and went after the wrong thing.
i resigned from that school district only after a week with the students, and the morning before i did, i knew i would. i woke up that morning crying for no reason. i cried and cried and cried in the shower. i cried on the way to work. i walked past my principal and with shame told her “good morning,” knowing it was going to be my last time telling her that. well there was a fight that day between two of my students, and it ended in the hall with me and the only male teacher and then a cop fending off the two students and the other bystanders as well.
after speaking with my then mentor about life and my real goals and hearing sound advice from her, and then issuing my statements with the on-campus officer and one of the other assistant principals, i had an inevitable meeting with my principal. i told her the flat out truth. that i was just trying to land a job to meet personal goals, and that my true passion was for high school english, and that i did not want to sell my kids short and not teach them with excellence in a field i’m just not gifted to teach in. that was the beginning of the season of God just ultimately showing me who i have become and all of the idols i set up in my life.
that began a spiral in my life that i lowkey didn’t turn from until about march. all of my idols resurfaced and i made a numerous amount of bad decisions and i literally was not myself. it was scary. it’s scary just thinking about it. it’s so sad all i can do is laugh at my “school year,” august 2012 to june 2013. God really took me back to school to learn a ton about myself, his standard, his grace, his son Jesus, his people that i call my family, and most of all, his love.
like i told one of my best friends of all time the other day, i wouldn’t change a damn thing about my past. i regret nothing. i wouldn’t know God the way i do now - his promises, his word, his consistency, his reliability etc. He drew me in after i found out that i repeatedly relied on old idols that have no life. He continuously taught me the way and his grace steady pulled and pulled and pulled me in. and it still does.
Jesus loves me. this i know.
luv it mayne.
i thought to do a long twitter rant but this will suffice. and to be clear this is not a declaration or a sermonette lol, so this all may be seen as a reach, especially to you theological monsters that have been to the third heaven and have authority over scripture but hey this is all of the stuff that instantly popped in my mind as i was reading this verse. i thought i’d share cause it excited me and i like to excite others so here we go. the joint is psalm 27 verse 5.
for he will hide me in his shelter in the day of trouble; he will conceal me under the cover of his tent; he will lift me high upon a rock.
i highlighted the words “hide,” “conceal,” and “rock.” randomly. i know david the psalmist is most likely speaking to an immediate situation but i just randomly thought of the day of trouble as in like the day of judgment - which will be trouble for those of us who haven’t trusted in christ for their salvation. when i see hide and conceal i just think of how the life of someone who has believed in and on christ is hidden in christ with God! like apart from christ i’d be a goner on judgment day, a day of trouble and calamity for many, but since my sick disgusting life outside of christ is actually hidden IN christ, i’m good. like, that is God concealing me under the cover - which is Christ in this sense - of his tent. and then it says he will lift me high upon a rock. i instantly just thought of jesus being a spiritual rock: the same rock that the israelites drank from while on their infamous sojourn to the promise land.
nothing major. just random thoughts running into this verse. fun times.
life is about choices.
and those choices have voices.
and those voices usually possess echoes from the past that you could not get rid of so take this advice: don’t scream too loud.
cause your shoulder is cold.
standing next to what is seemingly a rocky mountain covered with an all white exterior that if awakened, could drown your interior.
stay in his pocket.
a wailing will willingly trigger that white to come tumble downward from that same mountain from which your help comes from.
but you have no choice to retreat.
forced to dwell in that exact same house that you once abandoned.
fearful of future abandonment.
don’t trip though.
at least you’re standing.
in a house that cannot be moved.
owned by the creator of all states.
basically i’m saying you’re in good hands.
the whole world.
in those hands.
you’ve been the type to see the sign and roll with it.
but all that changes when you’re approached by the law.
hit them breaks.
signs seen but wayward wonderings still occur on the heels of a miracle despite the fact that you’ve been whipped into shape simply because you have searched elsewhere for bread.
white as snow.
i was going to write a long discourse on ephesians 4:26 but i won’t exactly, i’ll just opt to share a few things.
we as christians are saved by grace through the ultimate act of Christ dying on the cross for the sins of our lives.
we’ve read that or heard that so many times that we didn’t even jump, so let me attempt to hyperbolize that statement that actually isn’t a hyperbole.
adam and eve sinned. they only needed sin once for extreme measures to be taken. it wasn’t sex outside of marriage. it wasn’t a blatant lie to the Father. it wasn’t homosexuality. it wasn’t gossip. it wasn’t self-righteousness in a sense. they didn’t create a wooden idol. they didn’t steal. they didn’t murder. they didn’t hate each other. they simply disobeyed God’s commandment to not eat the fruit of the knowledge of good and evil.
if you’re not a chickenhead, let that marinate.
sin entered the world because two people ate fruit. fruit. fruit? yes, fruit.
the eating of the fruit, or the actual action, is not the focus nor the source of righteous anger from God - the problem is that He gave a command and that commandment was deliberately disobeyed by his very own creation. disobeying God at any rate, even down to eating a fruit which he instructed not to, is sin, and with that sin causes total chaos.
because of that one sin, which we as “self-righteous, sin categorizing, sin has many levels, non-bible reading christians” would probably deem as ” a little sin” today, because of that one sin, the entire world was thrown off of its spiritual axis. no longer did everything rotate around the one who causes the earth to rotate. no longer was mankind in perfect union with the God of the cosmos. no longer was everything “all good.”
God cursed the serpent who deceived eve, cursed eve who deceived adam, and cursed adam who, like a fallen man, stood there and let the serpent deceive eve and then follow his wife’s word instead of God’s word. all. because. they. ate. fruit.
God is serious about sin. and sin is anything in contradiction to God. ANYTHING. even eating something God said not to eat, alone, that little sin means that just as bad as we do now … we need a SAVIOR.
the good news about that entire episode was that God the creator, even in his righteous anger toward adam and eve and all of us who would follow in our parent’s footsteps in symbolically flipping our Creator off with our actions, after all of that, God still promised a savior. a savior who would crush the serpent and restore union for all who believe.
sin is that serious. so serious that Dad had to sent his own son down and literally slaugher him like a sheep on passover. no, Jesus WAS the sheep on passover. and get this, if there was no other sin committed in the world after adam and eve, if nobody else was born of the two people, God would have still had to send Jesus to die the exact same death for them. they still would’ve needed Jesus. why? cause 1 sin against God is enough.
God is so holy that there is nothing on earth that can compare to Him and we even as human beings with a mind created by God can’t even begin to fathom the level of “otherness” that God operates in. there are no analogical candidates that can run with God in the election of “who’s holy?” there is simply nobody that compares to God in the context of his holiness in and of themeselves. God is so set apart that if anything is done that is not of Him, He can’t even bare to look at it or even be in its presence.
and that God desires a smooth LOVING relationship with us.
how is this possible? well, when Jesus came down, he came to save sinners. real sinners. not the sinners that are
happy self-righteous because they haven’t committed a certain sin. not the sinners that sit in the figurative balcony and look down on the misappropriately dressed sinners that arrive to service late and leave right before the offering bucket gets passed around. not the sinners that teach excellence, don’t live excellent, but act like they do to uphold an excellent image that actually screams “I don’t need God.” not the sinners that know the entire bible but don’t know Jesus and really don’t want to know Him.
real sinners. sinners that cry over their sins. sinners that know they need Jesus every single second of the day. sinners that have past sins that shame them so much that their guilt leads to thoughts of suicide or even self-expulsion. sinners that have been abused and need God just so that they can trust people in the “smallest” of acts. sinners that never had a family and thank God for just simply having a family in Christ turn to. sinners that have had failed marriages or engagements or relationships with people period. sinners who have repeatedly dropped the ball in ministry or at their jobs or in their family occurences. sinners that know that they are jacked up and without Christ they deserve not to inhale his air not even one more time. sinners that grieve for their actions and grieve for the actions of others because they know how hurt hurts. sinners that know God has washed their sins away and has literally chosen to forget their sins so they cry and rejoice and stand in awe at every MENTION of the gospel message of Christ. real sinners. now saints.
Jesus. not the healthy, but the sick. that’s who he came for. the Doctor has no use for the healthy one, but the sick, oh how can he use them to bring so much glory to His deeds and person. not medicine, but pure healing. he delivers that. through his perfect life and dreadful death, those who believe now get credit for his perfect life, and won’t spend eternity dying a dreadful death outside of the goodness of God. this massive plan had to be carried out simply because of disobedience to God. sin is real.
Christ is realer.
with Christ as our lives and Christ in our lives and Christ taking our old lives and Christ giving us new lives and Christ placing us inside of Him positionally and Him inside of us literally, we have the Holy Spirit power to LOVE.
POWER: the power to be patient because God is patient with us as we sin. the power to be kind because God keeps us living as Christians with a new identity in Him even when we choose to dishonor Him and sin in a plethora of ways. the power to not envy because we have Christ. the power to not boast because we have life but deserve nothing but death and we didn’t do a
damn thing to earn it but be a sinner chosen by God to believe and partake in his grace. the power to not be arrogant because of all of the talents and gifts that we have (that pale in comparison to the weakest angel in heaven) or all of the knowledge we think we have and receive - because all credit is due to the one that created us. we didn’t create ourselves. the power not to be irritable because God is not annoyed with us but instead loves us despite our sins, through Christ. the power to not be resentful because not even God the holy one resented us sinful creatures who hated him - instead he invited and welcomed and placed us in a new spot with a new family with a new identity with a new purpose. we have the power to not rejoice at wrongdoing and allow ourselves to perpetuate the already stereotypical image of the “condemning christians” with our sin-scoffing ways, but to rejoice at truth and reconciliation and forgiveness and the fact that JESUS DIED AND ROSE FOR THAT - and that as a family we can bear the burdens of one another.
all in all, God is great. Jesus is phenomenal. the Holy Spirit is essential. LOVE NEVER ENDS.
i can feel the changes.
there is a man-made pollutant that is running rampant today. forget running. it’s biking on a level that would make lance armstrong’s steroid “livestrong” era of complete cycling dominance look like a little debbie cake walk. forget biking. it’s driving in a lane that is paved with concrete ugliness: at a speed that would force the late dale earnheardt sr. to steer out of his grave and seek epidermis for his decade-plus rotted bones, all to vacate to a place where he could witness this pollutant that is moving so swiftly into the new year. forget driving. it’s in the air seeking to destruct, flying at a speed that would remove the pride and arrogance of a skyline, or two. the improbable conditions that surround this moving pollutant are so heavy that not even a drunk, heroic character in denzel washington could maneuver a safe landing. this plain pollutant has turned everything upside-down.
sneaky. disgusting. destructive. blinding. muting.
it can creep up on the keenest of persons. a sam’s sample size can leave such an after-taste; you will never want to break bread with that club again. if a building is set on fire in a forest and nobody sees it, that building still burns. down. to ashes. this pollutant will arouse your senses, but this is no honeymoon. the sight will leave you terrified, and the thought will leave you damaged. the obliteration of the building renders separation, for who wants to abide in a ran-down house with polluters? guard your eyes. you’ll be desensitized and begin to think that trash is actually normal. this then leads to a closed-mouth. why speak on something that isn’t there in actuality?
oh but it is there.
ok enough of that. here are my new year’s resolutions:
the 25th of december is different this year. this time, my reflection is a tad bit clearer. there’s been a little more glass cleaner applied to the mirror. like an inner-city hipster from portland, oregon, my heart is on my sleeve, but this is no ink job. everything i thought i needed, i don’t, and everything i didn’t think i needed, i do.
everything i thought i needed, i don’t. everything i didn’t think i needed, i do.
family is critical, and this is beyond the immediate “blood” family. family is critical, and this is me making mention of my immediate “blood-bought” family. friends are cool, but family is essential. friends are great, but family is necessary. friends will fizzle out, but family will always be family no matter what. even if they’re not your friend. family has duty. responsibility. true connection. love.
i’m watching ants crawl in and out of this tiny little hole on my window pane. i have finally identified where the little bites and itches and paranoia stem from. it sounds like a small problem, but sometimes when i sleep at night, that little bite irritates me, and hinders me from rest. it used to frustrate me because i didn’t know why or what the cause was. but now that i know where the bites come from, i’m going to deracinate those ants. i am tired of allowing them to hurt me when that does not have to be the case. no more crumbs to be left behind either. i cannot do this by myself. i have to go to a store that supplies the remedy for such, and buy a product specifically made to eradicate these pests. everything comes with a cost. i’m glad i know Someone who can afford it. that’s one thing i do know.
don’t trust me, i know nothing.
songs play memories.
when i was studying abroad last year in cuernavaca, mexico for about a month and a half, every time my thoughts would wonder and i would start to feel that i couldn’t survive in a culture that was so opposite of the culture i was accustomed to, i would pop in my white sony headphones into my hand-me-down iPod, and vibe out to this song. this “abrahamic music" definitely was on repeat as it repeatedly and oddly would remind me of the covenant that God made with abraham.
so because of that, this is 1 of my favorite songs in the world. the hook is hypnotizing. gary clark jr. is on this mug singing in that soulful voice that music lovers have quietly grown to love. the production is amazing and the sample is, simply put, perfect. the message is encouraging, daunting, counter-cultural, all because it is practical.
bavu blakes, who i first heard amid the eddie long fiasco, keeps it simple (which i love about him) and keeps it flat out real and biblical with lines like “begin to ascend by being low.” that’s a tough thought to wrestle with, but it’s worth getting rock bottomed. element 7d also delivers a more complex style, perfectly accenting the song just how it should be. “even my righteousness, filth.” again, wrestling with a quote like that is worth being put into a submission hold. and like i said, the hook, the bridge, the lyrics … are glorious.
you can’t stop cause if you stop the world will not / it’s the same ol’ block …
according to urban dictionary, the definition (the third listed, and in this context, the ideal) of coon is "a black actor or actress, who takes roles that stereo-typically portrays black people … it comes from the term barracoons (a cage), where they used to place Africans, who were waiting to be sent to America to be slaves.” some would say that it is just an abbreviation of the term raccoon either way it goes, in America, black people (people of African descent) have been labeled this term by non-blacks (see zimmerman to trayvon martin), and some have been given the highest honor of being associated with “coonery” by other blacks that feel that they misrepresent blacks on television and/or in film (see spike lee in reference to tyler perry).
i first watched this with my dad as young teenager. as propaganda would say, “i got it but i didn’t get it.” the second time i viewed this classic was last week. all i gots to say in response to the joint “WORD!!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?” i have never in my everlasting life partook in the type of satire and irony that bamboozled presents. the boondocks? that’s nothing. black dynamite? not a flinch. bamboozled though? as soon as the opening scene gives you a clear definition of satire, bamboozled offers a swift cleveland bus driver uppercut to your right and left sides of your brain. somehow someway the movie is so genius that it cuts like the joker in dark knight, invokes compassion like schindler’s list, but simultaneously is just as comedic and laugh-out-loud funny as the wayans brothers tv series.
bamboozled is a classic spike lee joint, in case you haven’t caught on yet. damon wayans is hilarious with his faux accent, but you get the feeling that it is supposed to be more heart-breaking than funny … but it’s so sad that it’s funny. jada pinkett-smith is cool in the movie as well. savion glover plays his part well. my favorite performance though came from tommy davidson. randomly. he KILLED. mos def is random in this movie. his posse made me laugh though.
the social commentary that bamboozled presents is awfully frightening, mainly because i see a lot of truth in it and agree. i mean, for this movie to come out in 2000, well before all of the shows on vh1, bet, and all of those other networks that i think cave in to the barracoons that once housed my ancestors, says a plethora of things. not to say that “coon” shows were not on tv before 2000. i’ll leave that to you. hehe.
the scene where the show is pitched is the “turn up” scene of the movie for me. good lord have mercy. that was hard to watch and listen to. i was so into that scene that i wanted to unleash my anger on the executive receiving and loving the show idea. he also said “nigga” like 50 gazillion times in one scene. i wanted to throw every dictionary i could find at the first person i saw in light of that scene.
the toughest scenes to watch were the scenes where mantan and sleep n’ eat each applied blackface to their already black face. tough. tears.
quote of the movie, “continue ol’ great niggerologist.”
dear self-righteous zealot who unknowingly stains the name of your professed Lord and Savior Jesus Christ at every opportunity the topic of homosexuality reaches the front-porch of your glass house,
this is satan, your ruler at the moment.
i love you. keep those stones handy.
you publicly boast and proclaim your
gospel works as such,
i hear that they let a gay person have their own show. i won’t be watchng that show anymore. forget the network too. they’re gay for airing that show. i hear that singer dude is gay. i’ll stop listening to his music. gay music is wack. i hear some fashion designers are gay? i’ll stop wearing their brands. no more gay clothes for me. i even hear that some hair-dressers and even barbers are gay? i’ll stop giving them my money. can’t keep getting gay haircuts. what!? i hear that some athletes are gay? i’ll stop watching those gay sports, especially the wnba. and you know what? i hear that the people across the hall are gay. i’ll be moving out of these gay apartments. who leases a spot to “homos?” what happened to background checks? gay-wads.
keep up the
discrimination ”holiness.” here’s another tip. keep your “gaydar” on at all times. you don’t want anything to do with those people. don’t love those people like God loved you while you were yet in your sins, and do not share the love of Christ with them whatsoever. they are out to rape, steal your man (or woman), and destroy your private parts.
sure, you listen, adhere to, and party to music that promotes sexual immorality outside of marriage. hell, you might have fornicated yourself. but keep thinking that all of that was mandatory for God to receive glory from your testimony, because he’s used those past
sins ”experiences” to make you who you are today! meaning, he isn’t mad at those sins, and never was! he wanted you to commit those sins! keep sinning for his glory! the more you sin, the more holier God looks, right? without pre-marital sex back then (or now), you wouldn’t be a christian! remember, nobody’s perfect ;) don’t let some Jesus freak point to a small sin like fornication. they’re just judging you. and they’re probably gay too.
sure, you might have stole that pen from your favorite restaurant after you signed the receipt. you might have cheated on that test, but hey, you had to pass that test so that you could glorify God in your studies. He only gets the glory if you pass! as a matter of fact, you took that test with the same pen you stole. your actions are justified, so you’re good. you are righteous! don’t let some holy-roller call you out on stealing little stuff. they probably gay anyway. cheating on tests isn’t in the bible, and … you need that pen to take notes at bible study tonight!
sure, you spend your entire day on fashion blogs wishing to have what you don’t have. you go to the mall and give your offering so later that night you may present your body as a living sacrifice, not to God … but at least it’s to someone of the opposite sex! hooray! you’re not gay! you are righteous! HELLO! don’t let some bible-thumping fool speak about sex being a sin if you’re not married. that’s hogwash. it’s your body. do what you want with it, except be a homosexual - cause that’s really sin. and it’s really gay.
and child, most importantly, continue to enjoy and be unrepentatnt of every sin that is not homosexuality, especially arrogance, pride, and heterosexual pornography. continue to substitute confessing your sins to one another, with confessing another’s sins, mainly homosexuality.
i’m only heating up,
p.s. i hate gay people.